OT: last names (was: Re: debian and women? from DWN #10)

["Monique Y. Herman" <spam@bounceswoosh.org>]

On 2004-03-26, s. keeling penned:
> Incoming from Monique Y. Herman:
>> 
>> sore point for me at the moment.  I'm pretty sure I'll be changing my
>> name to make him happy, but it weirds me out.  I never fantasized
>> about
>
> Why?!?  Tell him to change his own damn name!  When he refuses, ask
> him why!

Heh.  Not to go into the gory details, but we've already had that
discussion.  Many times over.  Long story short, I got him to realize
that what he wanted was not rational, and that he was asking me to do
something that he would not himself do.  Once he achieved that
realization, it's been something I'm pretty sure I'll do eventually; not
sure if it will be right away.  I can sympathize with "I know this isn't
rational, but it's how I feel."  I can't sympathize with "I haven't
thought through my emotions at all, but this is how I expect you to
behave."

I do like his last name better than mine, to be honest.

To be honest, it probably wouldn't bother me so much if both my mother
and his didn't have the "suck it up; it's no big deal" attitude.  Really
profoundly irritating to have one's feelings completely invalidated by
the people who are supposed to care about you.

> This annoys me on a computing level too.  You're now going to have to
> get all your usernames changed to the new one ...  For what?!?

Well, I've never used my last name as a username when given a choice.
So I think the only username to change is my work account, and I imagine
they can set up forwarding.

> Marriage shouldn't have to mean becoming someone else's property!

Indeed, and it doesn't.  There's a huge difference between choosing to
do something because you know it would mean a lot to your s.o., and
being forced/railroaded into doing something.  If someone tells me I
have to do something, I tend to do the exact opposite, even if I would
originally have done it the way I've been told to.

But just because I've chosen a particular route doesn't mean I'm yet
fully comfortable with it.  That will take a while.

-- 
monique