Re: [DRAFT FOR REVIEW] Government owned IT enterprise SERPRO selected Debian GNU/Linux for its servers and wish to collaborate
Hello, Michael
Thanks for the suggestions.
The text needs language corrections, for sure. I ask for help from
proficient british english speakers.
> I think "Brazilian" is missing in the title, unless you want to send it
> out in Brazil only. SERPRO can maybe be removed from the title, as
> nobody outside Brazil knows about it.
>
Interesting.
> The description of SERPRO ("a US$ 1 billion annual revenue brazilian
> government owned IT enterprise") could still need improvement, I don't
> like the revenue number in the first paragraph (should go to "About
> SERPRO" at the end), and as I understand it, it is a
> government-controlled IT service company for other government agencies,
> right?
Right.
> If so, that should somehow be mentioned here (and in the "About"
> again). What about "a big government owned IT service company for other
> institutional agencies"?
The US$ 1 billion should be an eye catcher for the target audience.
What do you suggest as an eye catcher for this target audience?
>
> In the second paragraph, I'd remove the figures "forty three years
> experience" (that should be "43" anyway) and "10 thousand plus
> employees" in favour of "long standing" and maybe "big" again, you can
> put those figures to the "About SERPRO" paragraph at the end.
I was trying to avoid an "about serpro" section...
But if it is unavoidable...
>
> The whole "About the Debian Project" paragraph is way too long for my
> taste, especially if this PR should be sent out in non-html form with
> URLs as footnotes/references. Consider expanding slightly on what the
> official Debian press releases on debian-announce say.
The "about debian" section is not actually intended to be published by
the press in general. It is meant to be read as a compressed background
information source for the press.
Fortunately, since it has been published some months ago, there were no
more acid "completely missed the point" articles, as the press and
pundits could browse easily some key information about the Debian
Project.
So, it is accomplishing the first intended goal.
I even pointed the "about Debian" section directly to some press
pundits, that have no idea of what is Debian Project, at some direct
interactions, with success.
> In particular
> "You can..." has no business in "About foo", in my opinion.
Please, explain.
Regards.
Andre Felipe Machado
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