Re: [DRAFT FOR REVIEW] Government owned IT enterprise SERPRO selected Debian GNU/Linux for its servers and wish to collaborate
On Sat, Aug 30, 2008 at 09:21:02AM -0300, Andre Felipe Machado wrote:
> I heavily modified the draft [0], turned it more like an inverted
> pyramid, moved and trimmed text, less paragraphs, and invite for
> reviewing and improving it at british english language.
> The target audience is government agencies decision makers.
In general, the draft looks much better now I think, though there seem
to be still a lot of language problems I as a non-native speaker am not
qualified to fix.
I think "Brazilian" is missing in the title, unless you want to send it
out in Brazil only. SERPRO can maybe be removed from the title, as
nobody outside Brazil knows about it.
The description of SERPRO ("a US$ 1 billion annual revenue brazilian
government owned IT enterprise") could still need improvement, I don't
like the revenue number in the first paragraph (should go to "About
SERPRO" at the end), and as I understand it, it is a
government-controlled IT service company for other government agencies,
right? If so, that should somehow be mentioned here (and in the "About"
again). What about "a big government owned IT service company for other
institutional agencies"?
In the second paragraph, I'd remove the figures "forty three years
experience" (that should be "43" anyway) and "10 thousand plus
employees" in favour of "long standing" and maybe "big" again, you can
put those figures to the "About SERPRO" paragraph at the end.
The whole "About the Debian Project" paragraph is way too long for my
taste, especially if this PR should be sent out in non-html form with
URLs as footnotes/references. Consider expanding slightly on what the
official Debian press releases on debian-announce say. In particular
"You can..." has no business in "About foo", in my opinion.
cheers,
Michael
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