Re: [DRAFT FOR REVIEW] SERPRO chose Debian GNU / Linux for itsservers and wish to collaborate
Hello Andre,
The inverted pyramid sounds like a good idea, especially if its going to be
read by non-tech savvy government decision makers.
Keep it as simple as you possible can and put all of the important information
at the start.
Realistically you've got to grab their attention, they're not going to read
the textclosely but will likely scan it in a couple of seconds.
A good tip I was given a while back is to delete your introduction and cut and
paste in your conclusion instead. It's drastic and you don't really need to
cut the introduction altogether but it does work.
What happens is that we all tend to think and write in narratives, we all tell
a story. In a story we keep the punchline until the end, just like a good
joke will.
But for this sort of writing you need to work back to front - give the
punchline of the story first.
It will be easier with practice don't worry.
Maybe if you tried writing a very short summary?
Hope that makes sense and helps a little!
Jon Evans
On Thursday 28 August 2008 4:50:40 pm AndreMachado wrote:
> Hello, Andreas
> Given the further details [1], what are your suggestions?
> I intend to spread the word as far as I can.
> Debian Project is not a company and negotiated HARD at corporate
> management level [2].
> With no money.
> But with our values and strenghts in sight of their goals.
> The "force vectors" at this kind of government budget negotiations
> and strategical planning are absurd.
> Ask mr. Peter Quinn.
>
> The target audience are government decision makers, not so
> tech savvy.
> There are 2 main lines in the text.
> - Why a big government entity (in LA) chose Debian.
> (what do they want to accomplish)
> - They want to learn how to interact and collaborate with
> Debian Project for *mutual* benefit.
>
> It is not a brave guerrilla effort anymore, but a top board strategic
> decision, matured for years, that still needs to reach
> all management levels.
> THIS is important too.
>
> The text is not exactly following the "inverted pyramid" principle yet.
> Instead it is still mostly chronological with a conclusion paragraph.
>
> The government decision makers are not equal to private corporation
> peers, so take this into account.
>
> I will try to swap paragraphs for more inverted pyramid style.
>
> The text needs to be condensed, with less words and same information.
>
> Regards.
> Andre Felipe
>
>
> [1] http://lists.debian.org/debian-publicity/2008/08/msg00065.html
> [2] Sorry for the silence before, needed to avoid "dark forces".
> I had to *carefully* negotiate "as a representative"
> of Debian Project. Do not worry. I did not make promises.
> At july very critical meeting, I
> previously contacted a brazilian DD to plan main lines and
> "stand by over the cell phone" counseling.
>
>
> On Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:28:36 +0200, Andreas Schuldei <andreas@schuldei.org>
>
> wrote:
> > i think it is all quite verbose and too long in general. what is the
> > intentded target audience? how far do you want to spread it?
> > i would try to simplify and shorten it.
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