Re: [DRAFT FOR REVIEW] Government owned IT enterprise SERPRO selected Debian GNU/Linux for its servers and wish to collaborate
Hello, Graham
Many thanks for your improvements!
There are 3 sentences you modified that now I am not sure if the meaning
is the same. I will try to explain in order to british english speakers
reword them.
"Recent SERPRO tenders have already allowed participation of small FLOSS
regional companies, as well as Debian support services."
Serpro is already allowing small regional companies to take seat at
tenders (biddings?) by "atomizing" tenders in a way they could tackle,
not only "the usual" BIG corporation ones. Most of Debian support
services are from small companies.
"SERPRO has created a FLOSS Strategic Coordinator (CESOL) to assist
co-operation between the FLOSS communities and other federal government
agencies. Other Brazilian government agencies have already started to
open some software code."
The CESOL goals are to foster/increase/improve cooperation between
communities, and government civil and military agencies (serpro
included) by the www.softwarelivre.gov.br site and its CISL meetings.
Not forgeting the internal efforts.
Sepro *and* other agencies already opened some code.
I guess the "about serpro" section is unavoidable to shorten some
sentences...
But the US$ 1B expression i think is still needed at first paragraph, as
an eye catcher.
Do you have a better eye catcher for the target audience?
Regards.
Andre Felipe
> I have made some changes which, I hope, improve the readability. Please check
> that I haven't changed the meaning.
>
> Some sentences are still too long but I don't have any more time at the
> moment.
>
> Graham
>
>
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