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Re: Call for reviews: Release Announcement



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Subject: Re: Call for reviews: Release Announcement
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In-Reply-To: <20090212113319.GA19324@xibalba.demon.co.uk>

Justin B Rye wrote:
> Second draft attached.

Comments and justifications/categorisations:

> -Debian GNU/Linux version 5.0 (codenamed <q>lenny</q>) after 22 months of
> +Debian GNU/Linux version 5.0 (codenamed <q>Lenny</q>) after 22 months of

Standardising the style of the release name (or we could make them
all lowercase); I also assume that after this point the codename
doesn't need brackets, though it does keep the quotes.

> -GNOME, Xfce and LXDE desktop environments.  It also features
> +GNOME, Xfce, and LXDE desktop environments.  It also features

Harvard comma is specific to English.

> -HP mv2120, and Buffalo Kurobox Pro as well as Netbooks, such as the EEE PC
> -by Asus. Debian GNU/Linux 5.0 <q>Lenny</q> also contains the build tools for Emdebian which
> +HP mv2120, and Buffalo Kurobox Pro as well as Netbooks, such as the Eee PC
> +by ASUS. Debian GNU/Linux 5.0 <q>Lenny</q> also contains the build tools for Emdebian which

Non-English-specific capitalisation fix.

> -<p>Debian GNU/Linux 5.0 (Lenny) includes the new ARM EABI port, <q>Armel</q>. 
> +<p>Debian GNU/Linux 5.0 <q>Lenny</q> includes the new ARM EABI port, <q>armel</q>.

Name style, capitalisation.

> -Hypervisor 3.2.1 (dom0 as well as domU support), OpenJDK 6b11 and more than 23,000 other ready to use
> -software packages (build from over 12,000 source packages).</p>
> +Hypervisor 3.2.1 (dom0 as well as domU support), OpenJDK 6b11, and more than 23,000 other ready-to-use
> +software packages (built from over 12,000 source packages).</p>

Translators might need to know about "built" (that is, "builded").

> -NTFS filesystems or the usage of most multimedia keys out of the box.
> -Support for Adobe&#174; Flash&#174; format files are available via the swfdec 
> -or Gnash plugin.
> -Overall improvements for notebooks have been introduced, like out of the
> +NTFS filesystems and the use of most multimedia keys out of the box.
> +Support for Adobe&#174; Flash&#174; format files is available via the swfdec
> +or Gnash plugins.
> +Overall improvements for notebooks have been introduced, such as out of the

Word choice and number aggreement fixes.  I'm assuming swfdec and
Gnash are two different plugins?

>  box support of CPU frequency scaling. For leisure time several new games have
> -beed added including puzzle games as well as first-person shooters.  A notable change
> +been added, including puzzle games as well as first-person shooters.  Also notable
>  is the introduction of <q>goplay</q>, a graphical games browser offering filters, search,
>  screenshots and descriptions for games in Debian.</p>

It's odd to call an addition like this a "notable change".
"Notable addition" would need further changes, so I simplified.

> -<p>Further improvement regarding the security of the system include the
> +<p>Further improvements in system security include the 

Clunky and slightly ungrammatical ("improvement include").

>  installation of available security updates before the first reboot by the
> -installation system, the reduction of setuid root binaries and open ports
> -in the standard installation as well as building several
> -security-critical packages with GCC Hardening features. Various
> +Debian Installer, the reduction of setuid root binaries and open ports
> +in the standard installation, and the use of GCC hardening features in
> +the builds of several security-critical packages. Various

Avoiding overuse of the words "installation" and "system" (besides,
in the context of package installation, the installation system is
APT).

Hardening has no particular claim to capitalisation.

Rephrasing so the listed improvements are grammatically parallel.
  
> -<p>For non native English speaking users the package management systems now support
> -translated package descriptions which will automatically show the description
> -of a package in the native language of the user if available.</p>
> +<p>For non-native English speaking users the package management systems now support
> +translated package descriptions and will automatically show the description
> +of a package in the native language of the user, if available.</p>

Non is a prefix, not an adjective; and "which" would mean that the
descriptions show the descriptions.

>  <p>Debian GNU/Linux can be installed from various installation media such
>  as DVDs, CDs, USB sticks and floppies, or from the network.  GNOME is the
> -default desktop environment and is contained on the first CD.  The K
> -Desktop Environment (KDE), the Xfce or the LXDE desktop can be installed
> +default desktop environment and is contained on the first CD. Other
> +desktop environments - KDE, Xfce, or LXDE - can be installed

These acronyms are awkward to collect together ("the" Xfce?  Does
that last "desktop" go with all three, or just the last?)... so
rephrase slightly.

> -through two new alternative CD images.  Again available with Debian
> +through two new alternative CD images. Again available with Debian
>  GNU/Linux 5.0 are multi-arch CDs and DVDs supporting installation of
> -multiple architectures from a single disc as well as Blu-ray Discs
> -allowing the archive for an entire architecture to be shipped on a single
> -installation medium.</p>
> +multiple architectures from a single disc; and this release adds
> +Blu-ray Discs, allowing the archive for an entire architecture to be
> +shipped on a single BD.</p>

In English at least the previous "again available" naturally
applies to the Blu-ray Discs too unless you make a contrast.
  
>  <p>In addition to the regular installation media, Debian GNU/Linux can
> -now also be directly used without prior installation. These special
> -images are also known as live images and are available for CDs, USB
> -sticks and different forms of network setups. Initially, these are
> +now also be directly used without prior installation. The special
> +images used, known as live images, are available for CDs, USB
> +sticks, and netboot setups. Initially, these are
>  provided for the amd64 and i386 architectures only.</p>

See previous message.

> -removable media and installations via braille display are supported
> +removable media, and installations via Braille display are supported.

s/braille/Braille/ for his bicentenary.

> -<p>Thiemo's work, dedication, broad technical knowledge and ability to
> -share this with others will be missed. The contributions of Thiemo will
> -not be forgotten.  The high standards of Thiemos work make it hard to
> +<p>Thiemo's work, commitment, broad technical knowledge and ability to
> +share this with others will be missed. Thiemo's contributions will
> +not be forgotten.  The high standards of his work make it hard to
>  pick up.</p>

Some broken possessives.

"Dedication" is a confusing word to use in a different sense _in_ a
dedication.  I also rephrase to reduce the repetition of Thiemo's
name.
-- 
JBR	with qualifications in linguistics, experience as a Debian
	sysadmin, and probably no clue about this particular package


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