off-topic: election humor
Something I picked up off the net regarding the election, thought it was
funny, and here it is.
/me runs like heck and sets up a firewall :)
- webfreak
<snip>
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 23:28:29 EST
Subject: Notice of Revocation of Independence
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
8 November 2000
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "crap".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
</snip>
<snip>
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 23:18:58 EST
Subject: Florida Ransom Note
DEAR EAST COAST: PLEASE STOP SENDING US YOUR FRAT KIDS EACH SPRING IF
YOU EVER WANT US TO RELEASE YOUR PRESIDENT. -FLORIDA
</snip>
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