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OT: toasted humor was (Re: bad press at www.linuxworld.com)

On Thu, Sep 14, 2000 at 11:26:58AM -0500, Steve Greenland wrote:
> Now, there are definitely places where the install could be improved,
> (this is news?), but I'm really tempted to ignore people who can't be
> bothered to read the owners manual. This is an operating system, not a
> toaster.
This reference to a toaster was to much to pass up. My apologies in
advance if this is an unwanted intrusion but in my opinion humor is
always waranted.

If IBM made toasters...

  They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be

  submitted for overnight toasting.  IBM would claim a worldwide

  market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...

  You could toast one-sided or double-sided.

  Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.

  The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

  The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about

  it.  Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...

  They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...

  Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...

  They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and

  styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel

  Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three

  years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing


If Sun made toasters...

  The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa


Does DEC still make toasters?...

  They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...

  They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast

  and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...

  You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the

  toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

  You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...

  They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other

  single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...

  It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.

  Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  Their

  service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the

  blueprints for the box would be highly classified government

  documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...

  Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could

  access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of

  national security.

If Sony made toasters...

  The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece

  of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to

  your belt.

If Timex made toasters...

  They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that

  take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...

  "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to

  toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

  Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece

  of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...

  They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters...

  Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a

  toaster.  You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still

  have to pay for it anyway.  Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds

  (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough

  electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in

  your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you

  control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would

  secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made

  them.  Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless

  would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their


If Apple made toasters...

  It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years


(and finally)
If the FSF made toasters...

  Your toaster would be available completely free of charge. It
  would toast any type of bread, it would toast it _exactly_ how you 
  wanted it, but you might have to reassemble it in order to get 

  your toast perfect. 

Frisco Rose             "By any other name, I would smell the same"
E.O.U. Stud.             rosef@quark.eou.edu         rosef@eou.edu
Physics                  Mathematics 	          Computer Science

If all the ipv6 addresses were distributed evenly across the planets
surface, there would be roughly 423,354,243,695,259,002,656 per square inch.
And, no, I don't know what this has to do with anything.

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