Re: Bits from Argentina, please review

[Emmanuel Arias <eamanu@debian.org>]

Richard Lewis <richard.lewis.debian@googlemail.com> writes:


Sorry for my late reply it was a busy week.

> Emmanuel Arias <eamanu@debian.org> writes:
>
> > Hello!
> >
> > We wrote a bits from Argentina regarding to the site visit.
> >
> > Please, could you review it? Any comments, corrections etc. is 
> > welcome.
> >
> > https://salsa.debian.org/publicity-team/bits/-/merge_requests/119/diffs
>
> it is a bit of an odd read, im afriad
Sorry for that, I'm trying to improve my writing.
> - every third word seems to be "argentina"
I removed some 'Argentina' word.
> - it lacks a story/message: each sentence,and each paragraph 
> seem to
>   have little relationship to the one before or after: maybe 
>   think about
>   what you want a reader to take from this
>
> - you give dates without a month -- i'm not even sure if this is 
> about
> an eventin the future (2026?) or 2008? (if it's about the future 
> maybe
> say where in Argentina Debconf26 is) but then you link to 
> something from
> 2022.
>
> - it introduces people but does not say who they are, or why the 
> reader
>   should care. i think most people will give up after the first
>   pargagraph
>
> - some unusual wordings
>
>   "we happily received to" -> ??? we were pleased to receive 
>   (but this
>   seems overly formal, i didnt understand why this para was 
>   there ),
>
>   "to visit the venue" -> i think in the context you mean 
>   "thanks for
>   <people> for visiting the venue": but why were they/you doing 
>   that?
>
>   "where we can make some talks" -> where we had some talks OR 
>   where we
>   will have some talks (what month is this?)
>
>   "is giving us", -> gives us
>
>   "obviously sampled" -> needs some commas around obviously, 
>   unless you
>   mean you were very conspicuous while drinking. And you say 
>   "the city"
>   without saying which (no-one is going to remember the previous
>   paragraph at this point)
>
>   "who are all being" -> who were all
>
>   "thanks <names>" -> we would like to thank, or "Thanks to". 
>   but what are you actually thanking them for - the talks in the 
>   afternoon?
>
>   "who are making" -> who will make (i assume?)
>
>   "the previous review" -> for reviewing an earlier version of 
>   (do you need this?)
I think I could process all the points you mentioned. Also, I've 
also
made a few changes to the text, I hope they are correct. Thanks! 
:-)

--
cheers,
       Emmanuel Arias

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