Re: Draft of letter requesting a (Indian) college to host a mini debconf

[Justin B Rye <justin.byam.rye@gmail.com>]

Faheem Mitha wrote:
> I'm sending this request letter out to English Localization and
> Publicity, in case they have suggestions re wording.

Okay - I've got loads of comments, but they're all stylistic and
rhetorical suggestions rather than actual grammatical bugs.

> Subject: Request for hosting a mini Debian conference (mini debconf)
> at your institute

Leave out the jargon-definition - the term "mini debconf" never comes
up again, so why mention it here?  You could drop "request", too
(think of it as us offering them an opportunity):

  Subject: Hosting a mini Debian conference at your Institute

> Debian is a Free Software operating system developed by volunteers
> across the world. It is used on laptops, desktops and servers. This
> project started in 1993, and 58.5% of web servers run on Debian or its
> derivative Ubuntu as per the W3Techs survey[1]. You can learn more
> about the Debian project at www.debian.org.

These sentences need some massaging to get them to fit comfortably
next to one another.  And surely these days we can manage better than
just "laptops, desktops, and servers":

  Debian is a Free Software operating system, developed by volunteers
  across the world, and used on machines of all sorts from mainframes
  to desktops to mobile devices. The project was founded in 1993; today
  (according to the W3Techs survey[1]) 58.5% of web servers run on
  Debian or its derivative Ubuntu. You can learn more about the Debian
  project at www.debian.org.

Paragraph break (that was what Debian is, next, what's happening.)

> The Debian community is
> reaching out to students to offer them a chance to learn by working
> with us on various aspects of the operating system. We have been
> organizing mini Debian conferences since 2010 in various cities,
> including Pune (COEP, VIT), Mangalore (NITTE), Calicut (NIT),

Insert an "and" here and it's all good.

> Kuttippuram (MESCE).  We are reaching out to more colleges so as many
> students as possible will benefit.
> 

The next sentence has a couple of problems.

> Unlike many other fields, software engineering students have the
> privilege of studying how widely used and state of the art software

To be pedantic, "fields" don't have privileges, and engineers don't
*want* to study how software works!  Maybe:

  Software engineering students are privileged above those in many
  other fields, in that they can study how widely-used and
  state-of-the-art software like an operating system works.

> like an operating system works. A mechanical engineering student will
> rarely have the chance to see a BMW, Mercedes Benz or a Ferrari being
                                                    ^
You've already had lists with "Harvard comma", so for consistency add
one here too.

> designed and manufactured, let alone have the chance to work with
> designers and manufacturers. Thanks to the Free Software revolution,
> any software engineering student can see how software, including the
> Linux kernel and thousands of other free programs, is designed and
> work with developers to make new innovations. Just as it is critical

It wants a comma after "designed", but really you'd be better off
saying:
  any software engineering student can see how software is designed,
  including the Linux kernel and thousands of other free programs, and can
  work with developers to make new innovations.

(Or maybe something fancier like "can observe the design process of the
Linux kernel and...")

> for a medical student to gain familiarity with the human body, it is
> similarly important for a software engineering student to learn how
> software is written, maintained, used and improved in the real
                                       ^
> world. Most of the time students learn only theoretical concepts or
> trivial software as part of their curriculum. Working with Free
> Software projects gives students an opportunity to work on software
> which is used in production all over the world.
> 
> Advantages of contributing to Free Software projects include:
> 
> 1. learning how software is produced in the real world
> 
> 2. learning how to solve real world problems
> 
> 3. learning with some of the best programmers in the world
> 
> 4. learning tools and processes used in software development
> 
> 5. learning how to work collaboratively in teams
> 
> 6. learning to communicate technical problems effectively while
> working remotely.

Maybe those list items could have semicolons... maybe not.

> In a mini Debian conference, members of the Debian community share the
> work they do in the community and guide students to take up projects
> to improve the Project. This includes talks and workshops on basic
> topics like ``Introduction to Free Software'', ``Securing
> communications on the Internet'', or advanced topics like
> ``Maintaining Debian packages'', “Version Control with Git” (or
> Mercurial), “Bug squashing parties”, etc.

That list's a bit oddly constructed but I think you get away with it.
Why the inconsistent quoting styles?
 
> A mini Debian conference requires class rooms/lecture halls with
> projectors for talks and labs for hands-on workshops. It is better for
> the conference to last more than a day, to allow more time for talks
> and for participants to interact with each other. In this case, we
> also request accomodation for speakers and delegates, and also for
> students from outside the host institution, to enable them to
> participate.

Oh, I spoke too soon, there's a bug: s/accomodation/accommodation/.
 
> [1] W3Techs survery of Web Servers
> http://w3techs.com/blog/entry/debian_ubuntu_extend_the_dominance_in_the_linux_web_server_market_at_the_expense_of_red_hat_centos

And another!  s/survery/survey/

So my revised version:
###########################################################################

Subject: Hosting a mini Debian conference at your Institute

Debian is a Free Software operating system, developed by volunteers
across the world, and used on machines of all sorts from mainframes to
desktops to mobile devices. The project was founded in 1993; today
(according to the W3Techs survey[1]) 58.5% of web servers run on
Debian or its derivative Ubuntu. You can learn more about the Debian
project at www.debian.org.

The Debian community is reaching out to students to offer them a
chance to learn by working with us on various aspects of the operating
system. We have been organizing mini Debian conferences since 2010 in
various cities, including Pune (COEP, VIT), Mangalore (NITTE), Calicut
(NIT), and Kuttippuram (MESCE).  We are reaching out to more colleges
so as many students as possible will benefit.

Software engineering students are privileged above those in many other
fields, in that they can study how widely-used and state-of-the-art
software like an operating system works. A mechanical engineering
student will rarely have the chance to see a BMW, Mercedes Benz, or a
Ferrari being designed and manufactured, let alone have the chance to
work with designers and manufacturers. Thanks to the Free Software
revolution, any software engineering student can see how software is
designed, including the Linux kernel and thousands of other free
programs, and can work with developers to make new innovations. Just
as it is critical for a medical student to gain familiarity with the
human body, it is similarly important for a software engineering
student to learn how software is written, maintained, used, and
improved in the real world. Most of the time students learn only
theoretical concepts or trivial software as part of their curriculum.
Working with Free Software projects gives students an opportunity to
work on software which is used in production all over the world.

Advantages of contributing to Free Software projects include:

1. learning how software is produced in the real world

2. learning how to solve real world problems

3. learning with some of the best programmers in the world

4. learning tools and processes used in software development

5. learning how to work collaboratively in teams

6. learning to communicate technical problems effectively while
working remotely.

In a mini Debian conference, members of the Debian community share the
work they do in the community and guide students to take up projects
to improve the Project. This includes talks and workshops on basic
topics like “Introduction to Free Software”, “Securing communications
on the Internet”, or advanced topics like “Maintaining Debian
packages”, “Version Control with Git” (or Mercurial), “Bug squashing
parties”, etc.

A mini Debian conference requires class rooms/lecture halls with
projectors for talks and labs for hands-on workshops. It is better for
the conference to last more than a day, to allow more time for talks
and for participants to interact with each other. In this case, we
also request accommodation for speakers and delegates, and also for
students from outside the host institution, to enable them to
participate.

[1] W3Techs survey of Web Servers
http://w3techs.com/blog/entry/debian_ubuntu_extend_the_dominance_in_the_linux_web_server_market_at_the_expense_of_red_hat_centos
###########################################################################

-- 
JBR	with qualifications in linguistics, experience as a Debian
	sysadmin, and probably no clue about this particular package