Re: Questions regarding wording in DPN #9, #10 and #11
Helge Kreutzmann wrote:
> I'm currently translating those DPN and I noted a couple of phrases
> which sound awkward to me. Since I'm not a native speaker, I'd like to
> get the opinion of a member of this list before changeing them.
>
> Here goes the list:
> 1) Valessio Brito announced that the work for artwork and themes for
> the upcoming stable release of Debian GNU/Linux 5.0" Lenny has been
> started during DebCamp the hacking session before the annual Debian
> Conference.
>
> Besides the missing ", is there a comma after DebCamp?
There should be. I'm not sure what tense would be appropriate there;
maybe lose the "has been"?
> 2) In the meantime and updated version of the desktop-base package has
> been uploaded including a new default theme as well as a second
> one.
>
> I'd change "and updated" to "an updated".
I can't tell from reading this what the second one is a second one
of. A second theme? A second version? Neither of those options
quite seems to make sense...
> 3) The main features are, that these Live images are build 100%
> with packages in Debians main section and different flavours (GNOME,
> KDE and Xfce as well as a small image without graphical environment.
>
> First, I'd remove the comma between "are" and "that", then I'd add
> a closing bracket at the end of the sentence (before the full
> stop), but even then I think the sentence does not sound
> gramatically correct.
s/build/built/
s/100% with/entirely out of/
s/Debians/Debian's/
s/flavour/flavor/ (for en_US)
s/Xfce/Xfce)/
s/small/lightweight/ (IMHO)
s/without/with no/
> 4) He especially wonders, if whether there's a similar approach for
> applications using perl and CGI::Session.
>
> I'd s/, if//
Agreed. Also, being picky, the executable is "perl", the language
is "Perl".
> 5) Since he usually turns that feature of, which seems to him only
> slow apt down and wastes a lot of bandwidth of our mirror network.
>
> First s/of/off/, but still the sentence sounds strange to me.
> Somehow the "since" does not fit, and s/slow/to slow/ looks missing
> (but would it then be "to waste" as well?).
You've fixed it: "only to slow apt down and waste..."
I'd also suggest "a lot of our mirror network's bandwidth".
>
> 6) This announcement lead to the questions regarding the file transfer
> between different hosts of the Debian infrastructure.
>
> Is "the questions" ok? (I'd simply use "questions")
s/the// there and before "file"; and if it's past tense, I'm sorry,
it's s/lead/led/ - that is:
This announcement led to questions regarding file transfer
between different hosts of the Debian infrastructure.
>
> 7) Regarding the release notes, he asks that any issues that should be
> documented should be reported as bug against the release-notes
> pseudo package.
>
> Wouldn't that be "as bugs" (plural), or even better "as a bug"?
Plural issues, plural bugs, even if they're "one each". But that
first "should" seems to be a subjunctive - try:
Regarding the release notes, he asks that any issues that might be
documented should be reported as bugs against the release-notes
pseudo-package.
(I'd hyphenate pseudo-package, but it's debatable.)
--
JBR with qualifications in linguistics, experience as a Debian
sysadmin, and probably no clue about this particular package
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