Asking for de-escalation is not tone-policing.Tone-policing is using the way some people tend to express their opinion (generally violently, out of reaction to an attack they suffered from) as a way to invalidate their opinion or criticize them.
+1
We disagree here about the definition. But the definition is not the point; the effect is the same: asking "both sides" to "de-escalate" when one party has been subjected to an existential attack by the other, prioritizes "civility" over equity.
It is so repetitive is boring at this point. One side wants to see a whole group of people dead, the other side is saying that is really bad with very strong words; the centrist chastises the latter for being rude.
Asking everyone to try remaining civilized when they interact is not an attempt to invalidate what you could say or think, or to criticize you as a person especially since you're not specifically targeted.Transphobia by definition is not civilized and the rules of civilized discourse do not apply when dealing with individuals who are external to your civilization. An individual whose very existence is being rejected by an interlocutor has no moral obligation to respond in a "civilized" way to the attacker, and any Code of Conduct which insists on civilized discourse under these circumstances does harm to the oppressed.
Sadly, this is the reality in Debian.A big over a year ago I got "warned" by the CT, DAM, and listmasters (which in turn forced me to resign from the CT after I had successfully resisted a months-long campaign from the acting DPL to remove me from that post by sheer bullying force) because I told an outspoken transphobe to "fuck off to the sea" [sic].
My harsh and very very naughty words certainly do not fit in a civilised community, but these bigots still roam free and continue to participate in the project every day: you just need to go see the web archives for debian-vote. The people that drove me out of Debian (did I mention I made a bingo card?) are all there very vocally defending a dude who spent all his social capital in defending the theoretical rights of a convicted paedophile and who routinely makes creepy advances on young women to the point that he usually has handlers to prevent him from embarrassing a prominent non-profit.
And I am sure now to receive more private email from the very same people. People I consider kind and good, that I used to respect and hold in high regard, but that to this day still cannot see the difference between being rude and defending yourself from actual fucking fascists.
PS: yes, I said fuck, repeatedly; fight me. -- Martina Ferrari (Tina)