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[off-topic] light comic relief

Apologies for the offtopicness, but a bit of light relief
with a mention of Linux ..


REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp.
(MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern
Washington state. The  device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm
EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks
between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government," he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my
latte when I saw the seismometer," explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover. "At first I thought it was Mt.  Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work,"
said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified
Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the
US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade
plutonium," in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to
dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."  Myrhvold warned
users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I
can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric
generator inside of every Pentium II  microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but
anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet
is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why
the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power," said Prof. E.
E.  Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.  The
development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.  "'Write
once, Bomb Anywhere' is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer.  "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second

posted on 14 May 1998
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.

Hamish Moffatt, hamish@debian.org, hamish@rising.com.au, hmoffatt@mail.com
Latest Debian packages at ftp://ftp.rising.com.au/pub/hamish. PGP#EFA6B9D5
CCs of replies from mailing lists are welcome.   http://hamish.home.ml.org

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