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For Alurea
Wednesday August 31, 2005
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Today In Jokes:
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![]() ![]() Dog Quotes
![]() Quick Quotes
![]() Astrology
![]() Hotel Guest Mary Poppins
![]() Garfield Fans... Click Here!
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Dog Quotes
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"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene
Hill
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --
Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne
Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James
Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is
one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --
Edward Abbey
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings
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Quick Quotes
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"I recently went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to
go because I've put on, like, 100 pounds!" --Wendy Liebman
---
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this
year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position
until the Boss's daughter finishes her summer classes.
---
"Ben Jones the actor that played Cooter on "The Dukes of Hazzard" is
upset about the new movie version because there is too much sex and
profanity in the movie. Isn't that just like Hollywood to take
something like the "The Dukes of Hazzard," a beautiful work of art and
turn it into something cheap? --Jay Leno
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Astrology
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First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our
office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded
person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns
are."
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Hotel Guest Mary Poppins
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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary
mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for
the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down
early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really
weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would
value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled
a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
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