Re: Opt-in to continue as DD/DM? (was: I resigned in 2004)
Speaking as someone who has had his world shattered by betrayal and
breach of trust by an organisation (not Debian related), I can
completely understand how any correspondence opens old wounds.
I am not trying to justify anything here; only to say that I understand
it from *both* sides, and (I may be projecting my own experiences into
this too much) can see how things can get out of
control so fast
An organisation, and its ideals can be your friend (an idol? a belief? a
religion?). You invest a lot in that organisation - you live your life
through it.
In many ways it defines you.
Belief and principles *are* that strong.
This may not be a healthy relationship, but relationship it is.
You contribute, you work hard and in return you are appreciated; you are
shown to be valued, to have worth. oh how good it feels to have someone
tell you that when outside that organisation you are taken for granted,
derided, bullied, and as a result you have very low self esteem.
When that organisation fractures or turns away from your aligned
beliefs; or when something nasty happens and the organisation doesn't
defend you from those within your trust / belief is shattered in an instant.
There can be no reconciliation, no forgiveness, at best there can be
acceptance, to move on, lick your wounds and start a new life.
These wounds do not heal, they fester and grow deeper over time.
You armour yourself with righteousness, you weave stories of what did
happen (or what did happen when from your viewpoint when hurting) to
shield you from the pain.
You put it in a box at the back of your mind and do not ever want to go
there again.
Years later you still wake at night, replaying the events over and over
again in your head. you tell yourself you did the right thing to leave,
you conclude that given the same events again you would probably have
done the same things, acted the same way but wish that you could have
acted without as much venom.
Fast forward a decade or more....
Someone from that organisation opens that box
You go from your usual calm and controlled self to burning hate monster
instantly. You lash out, 'how dare you cause me to relive all this
pain?'. 'leave me alone - I have told you before; go away'
Some days later when you look back on this you are not proud of what you
did, but the pain is back, why should I care about others who have just
hurt me again?
These wounds do not heal, they fester and grow deeper over time. They
have been reopened and alongside them sits a new gash in your heart.
You armour yourself with righteousness, you weave stories of what did
happen (or what did happen when from your viewpoint when hurting) to
shield you from the pain.
You put it in a box at the back of your mind and do not ever want to go
there again.
You still wake at night, replaying the events over and over again in
your head. you tell yourself you did the right thing to leave, you
conclude that given the same events again you would probably have done
the same things, acted the same way but wish that you could have acted
without as much venom.
In time you get more and more trouble free nights of sleep.
In time...
Andy
//trying very hard not to break down whilst typing this.
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