Re: Bug#816159: www.debian.org: new introduction for blends page
Paul Wise wrote:
>> # <p>
>> # Debian Pure Blends are a solution for groups of people with specific needs.
>> # Not only do they provide handy collections (meta-packages) of specific packages,
>> # but they also ease installation and configuration for the intended purpose.
>> # They cover the interests of different groups of people, who might be children,
>> # scientists, gamers, lawyers, medical staff, visually impaired people, etc.
>> # Their common goal is to make installation and administration of computers
>> # for their target audience as easy as possible and to connect their audience
>> # with the people who write or package software for that audience.
>> # </p>
>>
>> It's all okay, but there is room for improvement in that last
>> sentence. How about:
>>
>> Their common goal is to make computer installation and administration
>> as easy as possible for their target audience, and to connect that audience
>> with the people who write or package software.
>
> The changes there are:
>
> Ordering in the easy/target part of the first part of the sentence. Looks good
>
> their audience -> that audience. Looks good.
>
> Dropping "for that audience" from the end of the sentence. This is a
> fairly crucial part of the sentence and much of the point of the
> previous equivalent of this sentence.
>
> For reference, the original read like this:
>
> The common goal of those is to make 12 installation and administration
> of computers for their target users as easy as 13 possible, and to
> serve in the role as the missing link between software 14 developers
> and users well.
>
> https://anonscm.debian.org/viewvc/webwml/webwml/english/blends/index.wml?revision=1.2&view=markup
>
> So, I would propose to modify your version to this:
>
> Their common goal is to make computer installation and administration
> as easy as possible for their target audience, and to connect that audience
> with the people who write or package software for it.
>
> I'm not sure "for it" conveys exactly the right emphasis but I'm not
> sure how else to word it.
The trouble is, we can't just keep repeating "audience", but "it" is
the group people we're writing for, so (at least in en_GB) it would be
more natural to say "them", and either way it's a rather weak ending.
My first draft had "the people who write or package that software",
but then I decided there wasn't no clear antecedent for that to refer
back to. Wracking my brain...
Their common goal is to make installation and administration of computers
for that interest group as easy as possible and to connect the people
writing or packaging the software with their target audience.
or
Their common goal is to make installation and administration of computers
for that target audience as easy as possible and to provide a
connection between that group and the people writing or packaging
the software they use.
or (maybe better, maybe my critical faculties are just going numb):
Their common goal is to simplify installation and administration of
computers for their target audience, and to connect that audience
with the people writing or packaging the software they use.
--
JBR with qualifications in linguistics, experience as a Debian
sysadmin, and probably no clue about this particular package
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