Re: [DRAFT FOR REVIEW] Government owned IT enterprise SERPRO selected Debian GNU/Linux for its servers and wish to collaborate
Hello Andre,
> > Or one of my favourites at the moment - shove all the extra information
> > into brackets:
> > During a discussion panel with the LUG Debian RS (mediated by the
> > Associacao Software Livre at Debian Day Porto Alegre) SERPRO heard
> > suggestions...
> >
> > It's up to you, choose which you prefer.
>
> It is there now. I guess it could be a matter of style. I fear that texts
> between the parenteses could be simply wiped by publishers.
Yeah, you do need to be careful with parenthesis.
> > 2). The last sentence is also working a bit hard:
> > These will increase collaboration with, and gain the respect of the
> > community for mutual benefit, improving communications, and so lead to
> > better operational performance.
> >
> > Maybe split it into two sentences?
> > This will increase collaboration with, and gain the respect of, the
> > community for the mutual benefit of both. Consequently communications
> > between SERPRO and the Debian community will be improved and the
> > operational performance of SERPRO's production systems will be enhanced.
> >
> > It's only a suggestion as it stands - you might leak to tweak it a bit
> > depending on how heavily you'd like to push the case.
>
> This sentece I still vote for the MJ version. It is shorter and elegant.
> Could it be too difficult to understand with many sentences and commas?
Not necessarily no. The difficulty comes when you have a sequence of long
sentences punctuated with a lot of commas - it confuses the eye. The trick is
to have a mix of long and short sentences. Sometimes though it's just down to
personal preference.
Hope that helps!
Jon
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