|
Hello Andre, Graham, What sort of deadline are you looking for with this article? Just out of interest. Personally I like the $1 billion dollars in the opening paragraph. It hooks them nice and early. Is it FLOSS or FOSS? I wonder if there isn't someway to work on the article more collaboratively? It would be handy as well if we could preserve the older editions as we work, that way it's always possible to go back if we should need to. It's good to see you working with your key audience in mind - keep it up!!! Jon On Saturday 30 August 2008 4:56:52 pm Andre Felipe Machado wrote: > Hello, Graham > Many thanks for your improvements! > > There are 3 sentences you modified that now I am not sure if the meaning > is the same. I will try to explain in order to british english speakers > reword them. > > "Recent SERPRO tenders have already allowed participation of small FLOSS > regional companies, as well as Debian support services." > Serpro is already allowing small regional companies to take seat at > tenders (biddings?) by "atomizing" tenders in a way they could tackle, > not only "the usual" BIG corporation ones. Most of Debian support > services are from small companies. > > > > "SERPRO has created a FLOSS Strategic Coordinator (CESOL) to assist > co-operation between the FLOSS communities and other federal government > agencies. Other Brazilian government agencies have already started to > open some software code." > The CESOL goals are to foster/increase/improve cooperation between > communities, and government civil and military agencies (serpro > included) by the www.softwarelivre.gov.br site and its CISL meetings. > Not forgeting the internal efforts. > Sepro *and* other agencies already opened some code. > > > > I guess the "about serpro" section is unavoidable to shorten some > sentences... > But the US$ 1B _expression_ i think is still needed at first paragraph, as > an eye catcher. > Do you have a better eye catcher for the target audience? > > Regards. > Andre Felipe > > > I have made some changes which, I hope, improve the readability. Please > > check that I haven't changed the meaning. > > > > Some sentences are still too long but I don't have any more time at the > > moment. > > > > Graham |