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On Saturday 30 August 2008 3:33:02 pm Michael Banck wrote: > On Sat, Aug 30, 2008 at 09:21:02AM -0300, Andre Felipe Machado wrote: > > I heavily modified the draft [0], turned it more like an inverted > > pyramid, moved and trimmed text, less paragraphs, and invite for > > reviewing and improving it at british english language. > > The target audience is government agencies decision makers. > > In general, the draft looks much better now I think, though there seem > to be still a lot of language problems I as a non-native speaker am not > qualified to fix. > > I think "Brazilian" is missing in the title, unless you want to send it > out in Brazil only. SERPRO can maybe be removed from the title, as > nobody outside Brazil knows about it. I don't know, I quite like the title as it stands. > > The description of SERPRO ("a US$ 1 billion annual revenue brazilian > government owned IT enterprise") could still need improvement, I don't > like the revenue number in the first paragraph (should go to "About > SERPRO" at the end), and as I understand it, it is a > government-controlled IT service company for other government agencies, > right? If so, that should somehow be mentioned here (and in the "About" > again). What about "a big government owned IT service company for other > institutional agencies"? One solution to this would be to shove it into parenthesis (brackets): The Servico Federal de Processamento de Dados (SERPRO), (a US$ 1 billion annual revenue Brazilian government owned IT enterprise) announced during the Debian Day Brasil 2008 Porto Alegre that it has selected Debian GNU/Linux as the preferred distribution for its hundreds of GNU/Linux development and production servers. Be Reasonable, Demand the Impossible! Jon |