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For Alurea
Monday September 5, 2005
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Today In Jokes:
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![]() ![]() The Miracle Toddler Diet
![]() Irish Clergy
![]() Insurance Policy
![]() Fireman
![]() Garfield Fans... Click Here!
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The Miracle Toddler Diet
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People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most
diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the
all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or
quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,
otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat
2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with
spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers,
rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz,
put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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Irish Clergy
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An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: "What would you
be if you were not Scot?"
The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"
Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him:
"And what would you be were you not an Irishman?"
The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of myself!"
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Insurance Policy
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Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured
for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work
quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what
was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar
worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it
works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
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Fireman
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Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he
hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his
ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting
assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People
actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What
do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
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