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For Alurea
Thursday September 1, 2005
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Today In Jokes:
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![]() ![]() Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
![]() Live-In Maid
![]() Father's Lesson
![]() The Bachelor Diet
![]() Garfield Fans... Click Here!
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Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
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1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you
say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your
face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats
will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats
don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener
is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in
your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to
you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at
all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will
have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats
will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones
that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly
sneak out the back door.
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Live-In Maid
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A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do
the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house
neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would
have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of
months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next
county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I
don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would
stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby
if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life
went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and
they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then
said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
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Father's Lesson
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A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the
phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the
phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a
second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call
again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone
and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks
casually.
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The Bachelor Diet
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Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste
while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six
"gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a
soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle
of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of
beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the
coleslaw.
Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine
and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and
eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner -
Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El
Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married
friends house and beg for scraps.
Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick,
check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask
the bartender for extra olives.
Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the
Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better
for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak,
well-done, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody
really likes asparagus.
Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well
done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel
Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And
waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask
about renting our old room.
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